Monday, October 30, 2006

i know

i know
there are trials
and tough times
bad times
screwed up times

i know
i have to be strong
i have to fight it
don't let it take over

i know
many ppl had had worse
i might not know the meaning of
true suffering
things could be a lot worse

i know
i have to trust
i need to have faith
i need to believe

i know
i know

but

i

am

so

tired...


i

wanna

give

up

pls?

Thursday, October 12, 2006

One Day

One Day...

One day
i'll take a walk with You
"thank you Daddy"
and i smiled
You smiled back at me

I saw the heavens open
The blue clouds were spread out above
I'll ask You
" Daddy, why did I not get this thing that
i've desired for so long?"
" You are not ready, My Child"
I pouted for a bit
But we continued walking

The sand was tickling our feet
The waves were crashing softly on the shore
As if whispering
"This is your chance... ask Him why"
"why.. why ... why?"
I stopped for a while and thought for a bit
Then I asked " Daddy, pls tell me why?"

Your gentle face was patient and kind
You smiled again and looked at me
Slowly, i could hear Your voice
"You will find out soon enough,
tarry a while with Me My Daughter.."
I kept quiet
I fidgeted
I was impatient to discover the reasons
But we kept walking

My thoughts were scattered
Question marks were fluttering around in my head
I wanted to ask again
This ..or that...
How.. why and what.. when and where??
I bit my lip but i voiced out
"I want to know why, pls Daddy?"

You held Your expression calm and peaceful
You did not say a word
I got impatient
"I want to know...!"
My heart was frustrated
I was not satisfied with His answer


"Pls tell me! You have to!"
I cried out in pain
By this time I didn't even realise
My voice was getting louder
I was raising my voice
I lifted my eyes to the heavens
Grey clouds had replaced the blue ones
Skies were getting gloomy and ugly
The light has dimmed on us

"My Child, come walk with Me a while more"
I wanted to pull my hand away
"No Daddy, i don't want to! You have to tell me now!"
Sadness spread over Your kind features
I could feel Your heart soften
The thunder sounded
and it began to rain

You tried to coax me again
"Come now, let's walk again "
I took away my hand from Yours
"NO! I will not walk anymore unless YOu tell me WHY!!!"
My heart grew heavier and heavier
I feel the burden pressing in

You slowly turned to look at me
You turned until we were standing face to face
My heart broke as I began to realise
There were tears in Your eyes

"Do you not trust Me?"
You asked gently and softly
"well... " I stuttered
"I do! but... It's not fair! and I want to know why!"
I shouted...

My heart softened as I saw Your face
So full of compassion and grace
"You did not have to compare,
I've given you all that you need.
You did not have to ask,
I've already provided.
You did not have to know,
Trust in Me and you will know why.
Did I not die for You?
Did i not give my life so you could live?
Look around you..
The world is still spinning
The sun still rises and sets
The tide still comes in
I'm still in control
If only you could see what I've planned for you
If you only knew
My blessings are abundant
If only you would tarry a while
and walk with Me
I'll show you..."

I was speechless
As i lifted my eyes
There was no reason to feel this way
I had no right to question Him
I felt guilty
I had thought He did not care
If only I'd trusted
He was right
HE knew everything
and He carries the weight of the world on His shoulders
and He holds the future

Suddenly it all became clear
I had no reason to worry
the Creator of the Universe
was on my side

"I'm sorry,... Daddy"
I mumbled
" I just doubted for a while back there...
I couldn't bring myself to look at Him

He began to reach out
and grabbed my hand
"Come, my Child. We still have a long way to go"
He said as a smile came and litted up his face
He pointed straight ahead into the unknown
"You don't have to worry. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm still holding your hand and I'm not letting go"
The rain had become a drizzle
and i could feel the heat as the sun slowly peeked out
from behind the bleak skies

I held His hand tight and squeezed it
"Daddy, daddy, pls don't ever leave me"
Now it was my turn to tear
But the tears that ran down my cheek
was not tears of sorrow
They were tears of relief and gratefulness

He bended His knee and looked at me at my level
His beautiful face glowing now
Radiating as the rainbow that
had slowly stretched out in the skies
He stretched out His arms
I saw the nail pierced hands
and I cried harder
" i'm sorry for ever doubting You Daddy.
I'm sorry I thought YOu didn't care.."
I sobbed...

"It's alright, My Child. Everything's going
to be alright..."
His voice soothed my soul as His arms
came around me and embraced me
He picked me up
and I eased my head to rest on His shoulder
and I closed my eyes and feel Him start to walk again
"I'm carrying you now. Trust me...."
I put my arms around His neck and held on to Him

My heart was at ease
The feeling of joy and love
shed abroad in my heart
It was indescriable
But i knew I've found something
pure and something the world
can never give me

"Thank you... Daddy.. I love you..."
I said as i felt myself falling into
a deep rest as He walked us both into the unknown
I didn't have to strive
He, My Daddy is carrying me through...

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Holding my breath underwater

It really does feel like that..
Like i'm suffocating
Nauseous
Dizzy

I can't wait to move up to the surface
Emerge from the tide and turbulence
Draw in a breath of fresh air
My heart so longs for

I don't think i qualify for
being a young working adult more than 2 mths
But i am feeling the stress
I feel sick
I feel pressured to perform
but not given or provided proper training
Most of the time i just feel like
a mad chicken being released out of the coop
when KNOWINGLY, there are ppl waiting behind bushes
to capture and slaughter me..

Okay, mayb dat's a funnier description
On a more serious note
i feel like a lamb
Keeping silent before its shearer

I think it's unfair
I think i need to voice out
It's reli dumb to expect someone to perform a recital
when he/she can't even read a single note on the chord sheet

Truth is,
I'm getting sick and tired n bored
n i'm thinking to myself
I need more patience
I need to have long-suffering skills
den again, I do think whether i am in the right career path

It reli bothers me to know my colleagues are leaving
One by One
Every single precious one of them
People who are keeping me at doing what i'm doing

They've all gotten better offers
Mind you, compared to what we were getting
There are BOMBASTIC, FUNTASTIC offers
den I feel like applying to wherever they're going
Den i think again, do i reli wana do this?
the money might be good
but Do i reli wanan work in this line?

I feel like i'm retarded sometimes
My growth i mean,
sometimes i feel like i'm ready to run
other times i feel like i need someone
to assist my crawling
I should be old enough to make my own decisions
Truth is, i dunno what i wanna do
I reli dun wanan waste everything i've studied
for the past 5 yrs
but i reli can't be a technical person
I NEED CLOSURE

i'm just reli frustrated now
I wish God will drop me a sign from heaven
I wanna do sumtin that can maximise my skills,
talents and personality to the fullest...
but i dunno how
n i'm tired of thinking how..

N i'm sad
Sad that close frens are not so close anymore
I feel like i've lost a lil part of me
since i started working
i honestly dun think i'm as crazy as b4
as jovial and funny as b4
most of the times i'm js TRYING 2 b happy
n dat upsets me
i dun recall the last time i actually laughed
till i cried
which i so often do when i was studying

help
i need CLOSURE

i'm still holding my breath underwater
will someone show me how to surface pls?