Profound thoughts...

I realised that I do have some kind of a weird problem.

When I'm really busy and caught up with stuff, I no
longer have the ability to discern how I feel or how
I'd react and respond to certain circumstances and
situation.

It's almost as if I'm not in touch with my inner self.

I don't really know Esther all that well.

Do you?

I think I need to getaway.
I hate making hard decisions.
Why does it have to be this way or the other?

Just leave me alone.

Maybe I'm just tired of thinking.
Striving, and fighting.

I honestly think I'm drifting further and further
away. It's not helping me to be a better person.

Sometimes, i realise that I do sweep things under
the rug. It's not that I don't wanna deal with it.
But , it's too tough to find a solution.
It's not that I don't wanna care.
I'm fed up of trying to fix things.

I'm not the Esther who always have to get to the
bottom of things and find out the real deal anymore.
I'm getting used to just being and just becoming.
No explanations, no confrontations, no trashing out.
Let people be what and who they wanna be.
Don't wanna go figure why or how or when.

Somehow, even I don't know what I want or how I
feel. Even if you ask me, I wouldn't know what to say.

Is it real? Was it there? Was it ever there?
Is this now a replacement of whatever happened?
Do I feel like this just as a reaction to THAT?

Numb. on the inside. Like I don't know whether
my feelings are for real. Or am I just lonely?
This is so pathetic. I don't wanna be pathetic.
Dont' know what is real or fake anymore.
Seem to be getting this feel a lot these couple
of months. I think I really am turning desperate.

Wanna bend some rules now. Don't you think
it's tiring to keep up and try to be nice and
follow everything people ask you to do?
or doing everything within boundaries and limits?
So boring...

well,if you happen to know where to find me or
where I've gone...
Please... Let me know..